Set More Boundaries, Conquer Chaos

As someone who is generally known as a more reserved leader, I totally get it—being assertive can feel completely unnatural to many of us. 

I once had a boss who would push me with unreasonable expectations of delivering something the next morning just to see what I would do and how I would react - seriously it used to irritate the heck out of me. Often the "thing" he was asking of me didn't even seem important to him or "urgent". It took me many late nights and some time to figure out that for me to stay up all night long on a regular basis to meet his demands wasn't a smart thing to do for my sanity and my physical health.  

When finally asked him why he needed whatever it was by the ridiculous deadline he demanded, explaining what his requests were doing to me.  After I spoke up it became more of a two-way dialogue. It turns out, his requests really weren't as "urgent" as he made them out to be. I started asking more questions when he gave me something that had a short deadline. What if I didn't stay up all night working on it and instead dedicated a few blocks of time where I was at a my best so I could deliver a better level of quality - would that work... could we move the deadline?

As it turned out, he would often say things to me without really thinking about my priorities or what I would have to do to deliver them - he was very spontaneous and just wanted them done.  In some cases he was waiting for me to push back if I needed to and at first I never did... When I explained that I was dropping everything to work all night long for his "urgent" asks, he was open to coming up with alternatives and the number of his urgent requests went down considerably. When the occasional "real" urgency arose, he was clear and I was better equipped to deal with it.   

When your boundaries are being trampled on, it’s tough to stand your ground and speak up....we worry what the other person will think or that we will be seen as unprofessional. But guess what? You can navigate these sticky situations and conquer the chaos with some a little bit of confidence. 

Here are some other strategies that have worked for me over the years

• Clarify What Your Boundary is: Before addressing the issue, take some time to be clear about your boundaries. What behaviors or actions are unacceptable to you? Understanding and getting comfortable with what really are are your boundaries will help you communicate them more clearly to others.
• Use "I" Statements: When expressing your boundaries, use "I" statements to convey how you feel and what you need. For example, instead of saying, "You're always asking me to work all night long," try saying, "I feel frustrated when I'm put in a position to have to work late into the night because it disrupts my ability to re-charge mentally and physically.”
• Be Specific: Clearly describe the behavior or action that is crossing your boundaries. Whether it’s a behavior like always turning someone else’s fire into your fire because of their inability to plan, or expecting you to always take notes in a meeting even though it’s not your responsibility. Whatever it is that’s making you uncomfortable, provide specific examples to illustrate your point and it will help others understand the impact of their actions.
• Stay Calm and Confident: Maintain a calm and confident demeanor when asserting your boundaries. Avoid becoming defensive or aggressive, as this can escalate the situation and make effective communication impossible.
• Listen Actively: After expressing your boundaries to the other person, listen closely to the other person's perspective. Validate their feelings and show empathy, even if you disagree with their behavior.
• Negotiate Solutions: Work together to find mutually acceptable solutions that respect both parties' boundaries. Remember my example when I started explaining that if I spent more time on it, the quality would be better? Be open to compromise and willing to explore different options to resolve the issue.
• Set Consequences: If the behavior continues despite your assertiveness to call attention to it, be prepared to set consequences. Clearly communicate the consequences of crossing your boundaries and follow through if necessary.
• Seek Support: If you're struggling to assert yourself effectively, seek support from a trusted colleague, mentor, coach or HR professional. They can provide guidance and help you further develop assertiveness skills.

When your boundaries are being stepped on and you feel like you don't have control,  it can feel very overwhelming...especially for introverts who tend to be in their head more than not.

However, when you set clear expectations and encourage respectful communications, it creates an environment where everyone feels valued and respected. 

Remember that if you are still having trouble setting boundaries after trying the above strategies and they are impacting your work-life balance, it's probably not healthy for you long-term. Consider talking with a mentor or working with a coach to help you build up your self-confidence and skills so you can be successful. 

-Heather