No one is coming to hand you confidence

If you’re leading a complex project, change initiative, or HR transformation and you’re waiting to feel ready…before you make the move, lead the change, or put yourself out there… this is for you. 

I’ve been having a lot of conversations lately with my oldest son. He just turned 19.

He’s smart, thoughtful, and like a lot of young people right now, he’s terrified of failing. Not in a dramatic way. In a quiet, heavy way that can stop you from starting at all.

And honestly? I get it.

That fear isn’t new. We just didn’t have a name for it when I was younger. The same quiet fear shows up in mid‑career leaders staring down a big change, a reorg, or a high‑visibility project. It doesn't always disappear just because we get older.

Back when I was just out of school I decided to become a real estate agent. I’d done all the classes. Passed the tests. On paper, I was “ready.”

Inside? Not even close.

I was convinced people wouldn’t trust me. That no one would hand over a transaction that big to someone my age. So I tried to out-prepare my fear.

I studied contracts obsessively. Learned negotiation inside and out. Took every marketing class I could find. I knew what people needed and how to protect them. Just like cramming everything you can in on frameworks and decks before a big sponsor meeting.

What I didn’t have was the confidence.

Then I went to a national conference in Las Vegas. Big room. Packed audience. I was sitting in the very last chair in the back row, hoping not to be noticed.

The speaker said something I still remember clearly:

“You’re never going to feel like you know everything. You’re never going to feel fully confident. So start somewhere. And if you have to fake confidence to yourself just to get out the door and make the appointment, do that. Because the doing is what turns you into the expert and builds your confidence.”

That part of the keynote hit me and stayed.

Not because it was a mind blowing insight or "secret formula", but because it gave me permission to stop waiting to start.

We tell people to “believe in themselves,” or "just do it" but we skip the messy middle.

Confidence doesn’t show up first. It only shows up AFTER momentum does.

And momentum often starts with you saying:
“I’m scared. I don’t feel ready. I’m doing this anyway.”

Being your own cheerleader isn’t about hype or pretending you’re fearless.
It’s about giving yourself the same permission you’d gladly give someone you care about..

Especially in work. Especially in change. Especially when the stakes feel high. I took the advise from that conference and got started. That next year I was awarded the top 2% of real estate agents nationwide and I proceeded to make a name for myself very quickly in the world of real estate.

Of course, years later I look back and this is the lesson I'm sharing with my son - and with you, "it's alright to be scared - to not feel confident and do it anyways".  

Three grounded tips to practice momentum

1. Talk to yourself like you would coach someone else.
   Not harsh. Not fake positive. Just steady and honest.
   “You don’t need to know everything to take the next step.”

2. Let action, not confidence, be the leader.
   Confidence is more often the result, not the requirement to start.

3. Normalize starting from the back row.
   Every expert you admire started somewhere uncomfortable and probablly quietly.

The anchor

If you’re waiting to feel ready, you may be waiting forever.

Cheerlead for yourself long enough to get moving.
The belief catches up later.

What I'm loving...🩵  

A human-approved tip / tool:   

🫶The Two-Minute Rule:

A simple rule: If a task takes less than two minutes, do it now or commit to just two minutes to get started on something bigger..

• Use it to send the one email you’re avoiding to a sponsor, sketch the first three bullets for a deck, or jot down one “next step” for a stuck initiative.

For your world, that might mean: finally sending the sponsor email you’ve been putting off, sketching the first three bullets for a tough update, or opening the deck and adding just one clarifying slide.

Remember, you’re not trying to finish the whole thing; you’re just lowering the bar to start. Confidence usually shows up after those small moments of action, not before.

A simple pleasure:

📖 My Kindle Hand Strap:  This feels almost too small to mention, but it’s made a big difference. A simple silicone hand strap for my Kindle means I can read one‑handed on the couch, in bed, or squeezed into an airplane seat without finger cramps or juggling a case. 

The pleasure? It makes it easier to pick up a book for five minutes instead of scrolling, which is where so much quiet growth and confidence-building comes from. If you're a Kindle user or e-reader, I highly recommend it (and no I don't get paid for recommending it -I really do just love it). www.strapsicle.com  

 To listen or read:

🎧Podcast: Setting Goals for Your Team When the Path Isn’t Clear. – HBR Coaching Real Leaders.  This conversation digs into how to lead when the plan isn’t perfect yet - which is basically the job description for anyone in the middle of complex change..

Before I go...

If you’ve been sitting in your own version of the back row, waiting to feel more ready, more confident, more “expert” first, don't worry - you’re not behind. You’re just earlier in the chapter than you thought.

Pick one tiny move to make from the back row this week: send the message, ask for the meeting, start the draft. Let action do the job confidence has been procrastinating on.

Warmly,

Heather

P.S. If you take even one small “back row” step this week, hit reply and tell me what it was. Your story might be the nudge someone else needs next time.