Why holding it together is not the same as being all right

A few weeks ago, I was sick. 

I wasn't the "stay in bed and binge Netflix" kind of sick but the kind of sick where you're still showing up, still responding, still technically functioning but your energy is gone and your brain feels like it's wrapped in cotton.

I had been sitting in my office staring at something on my computer that I normally handle without thinking, and I felt… slow. Foggy. Emotional in a way that didn't match the moment.

Nothing dramatic was happening. And yet everything felt so much harder.

I was holding it together. But I was not all right.

I got up and walked out into the living room where my husband was sitting and shared with him that I was struggling. The version of me that "keeps things moving" depends heavily on clear thinking. And when that's gone - due to illness, exhaustion, stress, or overload our willpower alone doesn't cut it.

I made a decision to not go back into my office. Instead I sat down and voice recorded everything I could think of that I was struggling with - loose ends, to do's or where I thought I needed to act. In that moment I needed a system, not more willpower. 

I see this happening a lot with the people I work with and coach. 

We confuse not dropping the ball with being okay.

You answer the email. You attend the meeting. You make the call. But inside, you're white-knuckling it. And because nothing visibly breaks, no one questions the cost, including you.

When mental capacity is reduced, whether by stress, fatigue, illness, or sustained ambiguity - we don't just think slower. We become more emotionally reactive, less flexible, and more likely to rely on sheer force of will rather than good judgment.

That's not resilience. That's depletion.

And here's the real problem: The harder you push to compensate, the more fragile your whole system becomes.

What actually helps (and what I wish I'd done sooner)

This week, as I'm writing this, I’'m sick again with something the kids brought home. The nasty head cold that keeps your brain foggy and what's keeping me functional right now isn't willpower. It's the systems I built.

Here's what I've learned: When your thinking is limited, your systems have to do more of the work.

Not elaborate productivity frameworks. Not another app. Just a few simple structures that catch things when you can't.

Here are five micro-systems you can build this week - each takes less than 10 minutes to set up, and they work hardest on your worst days:

1. The "Not Now" Note

One designated place (digital doc, notebook, wherever) where incomplete thoughts go to live until you can think clearly again. Not a to-do list. A holding place for "I need to think about this but can't right now."

My tip: When you're tired or overloaded, talk instead of type. I use voice-to-text in my notes constantly right now because when I type, I get pulled into formatting and organizing. When I talk, it's just pure capture - messy, fast, and nothing gets lost.

Why it works: It stops you from trying to solve problems with a foggy brain or losing ideas entirely because you couldn't process them in the moment.

2. The 3-Marker System

Three simple visual cues in your workspace (email, calendar, task list):

• 🔴 Truly urgent (drops everything)

• 🟡 Matters this week (but can flex a day)

• 🟢 When I have capacity (no guilt deferring)

Why it works: When you're depleted, decision fatigue is your enemy. Pre-deciding what matters eliminates the "should I be doing this right now?" spiral.

3. The Follow-Up Fail-Safe

End every meeting/conversation with one line in your notes: "Follow up: [specific action + date]." Set a 2-minute calendar block that day to actually do it.

Why it works: Your future depleted self won't remember. Your system will.

4. The Daily Download (2 minutes, end of day)

Before you close your laptop: "What's still on my mind that isn't written down anywhere?" Write it or speak it. Anywhere. Just get it out of your head.

Why it works: The stuff that keeps you up at night isn't usually hard to solve - it's just unresolved. Capturing it gives your brain permission to rest.

5. Let AI do the remembering

Build simple automated systems that track things your brain can't hold right now. I have custom GPTs that automatically run through my recurring tasks, remember project details I've mentioned, and surface what needs attention - without me having to recall it all.

Why it works: The goal isn't to hand everything over to AI. It's to offload the cognitive load of remembering so you can save your limited mental energy for actual thinking. When your capacity is low, the difference between "What did I say I'd follow up on?" and having that information just appear is massive.

A gentle reframe

If you're holding it together right now for whatever reason, know that you aren’t alone.   

But if you're doing it by force, by grit, by swallowing stress and hoping it passes, that's information but it’s not a badge of honor.

Calm leadership isn't about never having moments where your sick, you wobble, your head goes under. It's about building support before you need it.

You don't need to be stronger. You need fewer things depending on you always being at 100%.

That's not giving anything up. That's leading wisely.

And it's exactly what I mean when I talk about a reset. Not working harder. Not just pushing through. But building the scaffolding that makes your most important work actually doable - even on days when you're not at your best.

Because the truth is: your best work doesn't come from grinding through the hard days. It comes from having systems that hold you when you can't hold everything yourself.

🩵 What I'm Loving Right Now

📖 To Read: Building a StoryBrand by Donald Miller - I keep coming back to this because it flips how we communicate change. Instead of positioning ourselves as the expert, we make our audience the hero. For change professionals, this is gold: when people see themselves as capable protagonists (with us as guides), resistance drops and ownership rises.

🛠️ Tool: Reclaim.ai - Automatically defends blocks on my calendar for deep work and flexes around meetings. On weeks when I'm running on fumes, having something protect my capacity without me fighting for it? Priceless.

🫶 Personal Win: My non-negotiable self-care hour - one hour every week, completely uninterrupted. No kids, no work, no phone. If you have kids, you know how impossible this feels. But that one hour compounds and it makes me calmer, clearer, and more present for everything else. It's not selfish, it's systems thinking.

That's it for this week. If any of these systems help you hold things a little easier, I'd love to hear about it - just hit reply.

Take care of yourself,
Heather

🫶 P.S. If this resonated, you're not alone. Calm isn't a personality trait. It's a skill. And like any good system, it can be built. That's what we'll be doing together in The Roadmap Reset - look for more info on my new course coming soon.